2017. április 22., szombat

I feel so lost, and am losing hope

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm doomed to die alone. I'm a gay man who just turned 20 and I'm starting to realize that I'm not good enough for my own community. I had an emotionally traumatic childhood watching my father die at age 10; and being an only child raised by women only made matters worse. When I came out as gay people would imply that it's because there werent any men around; which is absurd but still causes me to question whatever masculinity I have left. I was hopeful during those times that I'd end up having a great future but that dream is slowly fading after each breakup, each rejection, and each day. I'm a small guy, 6 inches below the average male height, and it certainly has been an issue for me. I've dated a handful of guys within the past 2 years; all of whom admitted to leaving me because of my penis. It's only 5 1/2 inches long, which is average according to science; but still too small for most men I sleep with even when I bottom. On top of that I have ED and have never been able to top because I cant stay hard enough. I have a burning desire to be a top, but I feel forced to bottom because of my inadequacies. Each day that goes by, I'm starting to resent being gay because I keep getting hurt; and the worst part is they are over things I can't control. I don't know what to do anymore; Suicide seems so tempting and the thought of having more people leave me makes it worse. I dream of meeting someone who'd be willing to accept me for me, but that seems unrealistic given my situation. All I want is someone who I can spiritually connect to, someone to hold, and someone to spend my life with; but it seems that these that's not possible if you aren't close to perfect. Sometimes I wish I was born a woman and was a lesbian because then none of that stuff would matter. I try to tell myself that it will all be okay but with all these guys wanting that perfect guy with a perfect penis it's only fair to whoever I date not to expect them to settle for a little shit like me. I don't know what to do, been contemplating suicide all day.

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