Feeling jealous, alone, uptight, annoyed and anxious all at once?

For the longest time I have always wanted what other people had. I normally never appreciated what I had because what I had was what I never wanted. I know, I know. Stop looking at what others have and appreciate what I actually do have. Heard it a million times already. Before I start, I'm going to add that this is my first Reddit post. I have been contemplating getting an account for such a long time. I've seen a lot of people get a lot of support on here. It's given me hope and inspired me to believe the same destiny is waiting for me. First off, let me just start with the fact that I'm gay and posting to the gay community. I've never been one of those fashionable gays. Or the ripped, slender ones. I've always been overweight, nerdy, very strange in my own way, had identity and body issues, and alone. I just feel like nobody really understands me or ever will. I'm 21, so I'm fairly young. I notice whenever I try to get out into the gay community I can't stand it. The main reason why is because they're all so...I'm sorry, but they're terribly slutty. Just no class. At all. And that's not the way I am. I've never been good at saying no though, especially to something so tempting. Which actually happened to me with a close friend of mine. He's much older than I am. My "daddy". My dad died on me when I was 13 so I think our relationship affects me much more significantly. Long story short, one time I went over to his house to just hang out. We are regular friends with benefits, but keep in mind I've never had anal intercourse. So yes, I'm still a virgin. Pathetic, I know. Things progressed when I really didn't want them to. Only I was being silent about it. I was just testing to see if we could just hang out as friends and not just as playmates. Obviously not, because we ended do our regularly routine. I haven't been over there since early to mid-April I was just upset that he didn't catch on to the signals I was sending. I know I should have made it simple and said no myself, but he knows what turns me on. Where to touch. We had a little falling out. Nothing terrible. Just a general disagreement. As a result, I don't want to be around him very much. Until recently, when he told me about one of his playmates. They had sex. He's never had sex with a man before until three days ago. He was married to a woman for years before. And...I wanted to be his first. And he could have been mine. But since I was mad at him over how I was feeling, I lost my chance. To me, the gay community has always signified being friend zoned by guys calling you "buddy". He always ends our conversations with "little bear", "baby bear", or "sweet cub". Now I'm buddy. Which offends me beyond imagining. First guy I talked to pulled those strings on me from the shadows. Went from sexy and baby and cub love to just buddy. And it just opened up old wounds as well. The jealousy that I'm feeling right now. I've always wanted a boyfriend, or even just a close companion I can share everything with. Because I've always been alone. Like right now I am up at 6:30 in the morning because my anxiety is too high for me to go to sleep. I can't stop worrying I won't be loved. I can't stop worrying about how I won't ever be good enough for anyone. I've always felt this way but his actions have rekindled the longing I've always had to be wanted, desired, envied and loved. I just feel like I'm not special to him any longer. Or to anyone anymore. My "friends" won't even talk to me hardly anymore. I can't even figure out what's right for me. Just going through so much right now and it's so hard to type it all because I don't where to start in this huge mess you would call my life and actually know if somebody will care. Will listen. Because I know one thing is for sure they can't do is anything about it. But maybe they can help me, and vice versa. I was talking to a younger bear like myself for a little while, but he's suddenly gone mute on me. I'll try to contact him and he ignores me. I'm beginning to think he's even hidden his online status from me on PSN. And I really liked this guy too. I'm just tired of having to constantly start over. I just have to giving myself to these random people over and over and over and over and over again until finally somebody accepts me for me. And I'm starting to feel used. I don't want random hands all over my body. I want HIS hands all over my body. I know everyone goes through this at some point. Just having to find him is so hard for me. Love, relationships, sex. It's all never come to naturally. I've always been awful at anything like that. Part of the reason, I was overweight and insecure in high school. I figured I would take my chances here, and post my thoughts and emotions. Maybe somebody has another perspective I haven't really consulted with yet. I want to get this envious feeling off of mind and I want to feel better about myself. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to do that? I don't have very many hobbies. Or a good job. Or attend college. I'm not involved. Kind of like it that way because then I get over the fact of being constantly alone. I didn't mean to confuse anyone or anything. My emotions aren't very simple. They're rather complex. Thank you to anyone who supports me. Really. It means the world to me right now.