My Experience in the Gay Community (So Far)

This is my very first post to the reddit community. For a long time, I have always felt the desire to share my story so far in the hope of finding others that may have had similar experiences. I’ve been “out” for 10 years now and am currently 29 years old.Like many members of the LGBTQ community, I struggled with trying to figure out and accept who I was all through middle school and high school in a small, southern town. I didn't come out until my sophomore year of college, age 19. I had grown up with a strong desire to marry, have a family and live a long, loving life with someone special - a goal that did not diminish after coming out.While I had nothing against them, I never felt the need or desire to gravitate towards the other gay men on campus. Joining their social circles was never a priority for me. In general, it was very easy for me to make lots of friends and I enjoyed a thoroughly exciting social life via my fraternity. I definitely wasn't the “hottest guy on campus” but I didn't necessarily feel unattractive either. Life was pretty good.When I was 21 and nearing graduation, I met my first boyfriend (also my age) and experienced a lot of first-time activities. I fell deeply in love with him and we lived together for about a year. This is when my rose-tinted world started to desaturate. One day, I came home to find my boyfriend having sex with a much older man in our bed. As you can imagine, it was devastating. About a month after it happened, I made the decision to move to Chicago to get away and find new career opportunities.All of a sudden, I found myself living in the “real” world and things like “Grindr” and “Scruff” became known to me for the first time. At first, I was a bit afraid of going out to gay bars and such to try to meet people. The wounds of my previous relationship were still extremely fresh. I eventually found the strength to go out and was extremely happy and optimistic about it. What I found were judgmental stares instead of warm welcomes. Since I was neither a “twink” or “muscle jock,” I often found myself at the receiving end of laughter and ridicule. For the first time, I started thinking of myself as ugly. Terms like “love” and “monogamy” were replaced by “fun” and “open relationship.” Deception and drama replaced honesty and authenticity. As I continued to succeed in my professional career, I began to slowly withdraw from social situations in general. I never felt wanted by anyone. At age 26, most of my friends had started settling down and even getting married. Even some of my few gay friends had started getting married and living the life that I always wanted and thought that I would have. Eventually the loneliness and lack of hope led me to descend into daily battles with depression and anxiety - a struggle that I still fight every day.Since that doomed first relationship 8 years ago, I’ve never had the opportunity to even semi-seriously date someone. Every time I have ever been attracted to someone, the feelings have never been mutual. And in the cases where I thought they were mutual, I’ve always found out that I was used to pay for their drinks or occupy their time while they were bored - something that actually just happened again last night. I find myself constantly in situations where I am saying to myself, “how could you be so stupid?”For me, personally, I feel like being gay has only been a negative experience in my life that has contributed to serious struggles with depression, anxiety and loneliness. I often tell people that being gay couldn't possibly be a choice, because if it was then I wouldn't have chosen it.I am now preparing for a move to the Dallas area from Chicago and am excited about experiencing a new place. I am looking at it as a place where I can refresh and hopefully climb out of this hole I’ve been in for the last 8 years.I guess there are three reasons why I decided to write this. First, it feels very nice to actually force myself to write this stuff down. Second, to show other gay men that they may not be alone in what they are feeling or experiencing. Finally, that the gay world for some of us isn't like what you see on TV or in flashy pride parades.