Jonathan, my church friend

When we talked on the phone the first time there was an ease in our conversation. Pauses were allowed. His voice seemed so relaxed, comforting. We got each other, somehow.Jonathan was at a job he hated, and separated from his daughters four states away. He told me to call him "ANYTIME" because I had been struggling with some things. He was my new friend, 3 hours away. In a life with no friends.One night we were talking and he told me I shouldn't be alone. I mentioned I needed to hire someone in my new business at which point he expressed how he wanted a career change. An hour later we were talking about him joining my business. I hung up the phone delirious with joy. Jonathan and I could be a team. Over the next couple weeks he was overrun with excitement as well as we worked out the logistics. We were going to be roommates, too.When I met him for the first time in Dallas, he came almost bounding towards me with a cute limp from an injury years ago. We hugged and our eyes met somewhat cautiously. He had dark brown hair and deep brown eyes. In his apartment, he asked me if there was a funny smell as he had been working with the owners to deal with a mold problem. He lived very simply and talked almost nervously and I noticed a flashcard taped near his door with a Bible verse about not thinking anything strange.He gave me some of his clothes to put on for an impromptu game of basketball. On the court he would always shout like a little league coach when I made a basket. I didn't know what I was doing but was swept up in my happiness. We went to eat and then stopped by a grocery store before visiting some friends. At the store he bought some heavy cream and some health foods and I made sure to buy some sweets to throw him off and annoy his fanaticism. He laughed at almost everything.Jonathan was beautiful in his desire to be hospitable for me, his tireless efforts, his plain but introspective face, the way he laughed nervously. The way he called me "beloved" and wanted to be close to me. I was so happy being with him and to know his sweetness.Above all, we shared a bond that ran very deep in the way we perceived the world. But I began to lose my grip on reality and he saw it and I feared pushing him away with all of my challenges. My church told me goodbye, and with this was goodbye to Jonathan.It took me a while to accept my affections for him and to acknowledge that he may have felt a deep and loving connection the same. Sometimes I imagine hugging him and hearing his voice and feeling his hand touch me as a man comforting another man, both of us unafraid to share a love and a bond that isn't allowed but exists nonetheless."As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." - 1 Samuel 18:1