I hate being gay

So I just need to vent on this subject. I've known since I was 13 years old. I didn't come out to anyone until I was well into my twenties, 25 I think. I struggled for a very long time with it, once I excepted it things got better for a little bit. But now its the bane of my existence. I never had a boyfriend but have been with 5 guys. One of witch was my best friend that was confused about his sexuality for awhile till he realized he was trans. Sleeping together destroyed our 18 year friendship.I fell deeply in love with him. I attempted to commit suicide but failed when my friend stopped me at the very last second. My whole childhood I struggled with weight, and in teenage years I lost a significance amount of weight. My upper body no matter how many days a week I worked out or how well I ate, I still had a fat looking upper body (with my shirt off). The damage was done to my body and no amount of working out or diet could fix my problem. I learned quickly that my body type was not accepted in the gay community. I have been insulted, harassed and shunned by gay men because of how I looked without my shirt. Though my whole life I've had a lot of women who wanted to date me because I am a very loving and caring individual. I care more for others then myself. I understand people are attracted to different things, but ALL gay men seem to like the same thing super fit guys. This has really gotten to me. I've had friends who are women who I would like to date and be with, but I'm simply not straight. Women can be shallow as well, but not as shallow as gay men when it come to the body. I love that women love you for who you are and not what you look like. Straight couple come in all shapes and sizes. Gay couples always look like siblings or very similar. I absolutely despise my sexuality and gay men. They are the most shallow, disgusting community I've had the displeasure of being a part of. I would love to be with a women who loves me for who I am and not how I look. I get hit on all the time by guys, but once that shirt comes off, game over. Sorry I am venting and just upset that at this point in my life I want so bad to be with a women and not a man. I wish I could magically become straight. Nothing good has ever come from being gay, its destroyed 2 of my very best friendships (only talked about one) and not being able to find a genuine individual making my love life nonexistent. Being gay is a curse, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hope to die young so this pain and suffering can't continue. I'm not suicidal anymore mainly because I don't want to hurt my friends and family. I know this was all over the place and could have been put together much better. Really just needed to vent