Losing the love of my life...

7 and a half years ago, I left the man of my dreams and love of my life (we’ll call him Mr X). Why? I don't know, I can remember it had something to do with others filling my head with nonsense, but I shouldn't have listened to them and I don't know why I did. It was heartwrenching, I tried for months to get him back but he was so hurt that it didn't happen and I just ended up being a crazy stalker. I lost weight, I couldn't eat, I didn't go out, I stayed in mourning the loss. Around 6 months after this someone contacted me on Gaydar, Grindr didn't exist then, he was 10 years my senior but has his life sorted (we'll call him Mr Y), he owned the lease on a pub and lived upstairs he had a good social life with lots of friends and he was interested in me, at the time I thought great, I'm moving on as we started dating, but looking back it was taking my mind off Mr X and I buried my feelings. Eventually I moved in with Mr Y, quit my supermarket job and worked at the pub as bar manager. Mr X contacted me in this time on Facebook and told me that he did still love me after all and thanking me for looking after him (he became mentally unwell whilst we were together - ran in his family), instead of doing what I should have done I acted like a child, I ignored him and put a status up professing my love for Mr Y, I received another message, thanks a lot there was no need for that, I no longer heard from Mr X… Mr Y had been at the pub for around 13 years or more (not on his own, he had a ten plus year relationship before me) and the lease had become untenable with rising costs and the brewery squeezing us for more cash, so we made the decision to leave and rent a flat in town. Mr Y secured a local management job and whilst I was out of work temporarily after a couple of months got a job… at another supermarket! Since being with Mr X he had had several relationships which all failed and I would see him in and around town occasionally and wave, sometimes say hello and he would too, saw his parents in town a lot, we always talked as I was very involved with his family whilst with him and they missed me as I missed them. Fast forward a couple of years and I saw his parents in town so sat and had coffee with them and talked about Mr X, I had started really missing and pining for him again so I knew this wasn't healthy but did it anyway. I told his mum how I'd drafted a letter to him telling him how I felt about him and asked did she think I should send it? She said ultimately it's up to me but why not, what's to lose even if he ignored it, she explained how he wasn't well at all with anxiety and schizophrenia (not to be confused with multiple personality disorder) but that last part was controlled with drugs so he was OK ish, also that he was seeing a guy 12 years his junior who they didn't like and who was basically using him for his disability benefits. During this time I myself had started being treated for anxiety and depression (runs in my family also), I'm now on antidepressants and ‘mood stabilsers’ used mainly to treat bipolar. Mr Y doesn't understand my conditions and also knows nothing of my contact with Mr X’s family. Anyway, I sent the message I'd drafted to Mr X on Facebook messenger. I basically said that I missed him, still loved him, knew he was with someone so wouldn't interfere just wanted to tell him. It got marked as read, I heard nothing. Around a month later I receive a Facebook message, its him. I was so excited my heart racing I rushed upstairs (we had moved into a small house by now) lying to Mr Y that I was sorting laundry. The message said Hi how are you? We chatted and I discovered he had split up with his boyfriend, I said how did he feel about what I'd originally sent and he said he never properly read it so would now. He said he didn't know how he felt as he it was still fresh with his now ex, I was understanding and we chatted for days. Eventually he said he’d like to get to know me again, I thought this was fantastic. We'd been sending flirty messages and pics to each other at the same time as chatting about other stuff, he asked me if I'd go round to have a bit of fun when everyone was out, I jumped at the chance to see him, went round and we had fun dn a fumble but it was awkward. After I left he said he's sorry his anxiety got the better of him and we shouldn't have done it that it was a bad idea. Shortly after this he stopped replying to my messages and now a year on roughly he doesn't receive them anymore on Facebook, he hasn't blocked me just removed me on messenger I think. Anyway I digress as after he stopped replying I signed up to Grindr to basically stalk him, I sent him messages and got funny when he didn't reply looking back it was childish and ridiculous of me I can see that now (plus my medication has since been upped). I've spent hours sending messages Facebook, Instagram, snap chat, anything I can find him on to apologise but I don't know if he's even read them. I have viewed his Facebook profile (not healthy I know)which says he is still single. All this time I've kept it all from Mr Y but basically I would drop everything for Mr X and I know that's not fair on Mr Y. I do love Mr Y but our relationship is basically one of friend who share a bed, he has zero sex drive (mine is 24/7 which matches Mr X), we don't kiss or cuddle unless I make the effort and even then he's waiting for me to leave him alone, we sit at separate ends of the sofa on our phones with the TV on. If we go out its just to town (my anxiety prevents me going much further) we don't go on holiday (again the anxiety!). We simply Co exist. And I know it's not fair to him what I've done or how I feel and I know it's wrong and I'm not making excuses just saying how it is. I stay in a lot (you guessed it anxiety) when I do go out I have to work so hard not to have panic attacks and I'm so worried that if I see Mr X out anywhere that he won't want to know me. I feel I've lost a soul mate, and miss him so much. That's basically my story of the last 7 and a half years, I had to type it all out I just had to, it goes round and round in my mind on a daily basis, what have I done, why did I do it, I've ruined my life.TL:DR Sorry but it's too complicated to simplify, I you didn't read don't blame you.