Coming out to myself

Earlier today I was reading another post here and the top comment really resonated with me.http://ift.tt/2q7JLpd similarity to my own experience was a little unsettling honestly. So I started typing out what was supposed to be a quick reply, which sort of took on a life of its own. I was going in directions I hadn't intended and I realized I was really putting it all out there and just speaking from the heart.I read what I had typed, felt totally exposed, and quickly deleted it all. But it's been nagging me all day. So instead of running the fuck away like I wanted to, I'm trying to be extra brave here by making my own thread, instead of just posting a reply to the original comment. I did however make several direct references to the post in the link above, which I didn't feel like editing out."this could have been written by me honestly. It was actually surreal to read.I'm also very all-or-nothing. Anytime I've been in a relationship with a woman, my thoughts (for the most part) did not gravitate towards homosexuality...much. I simply didn't allow them to I guess. I don't know.But as soon as the relationship ends, it seems that so does my interest in women. And I end up swinging waaay to the other side of the pendulum. So my adulthood has basically been defined by a few blocks of time where I was monogamous and hetero, interspersed between periods where I was single and exclusively, (albeit privately) gay.It's only now, in my 30's, after a rather devastating end to my most recent relationship, that I'm starting to examine with a therapist, why I've been repeating this pattern.When I first mentioned to the therapist that I'd started gravitating towards wanting some male attention again, Her response was, "you say that like it's a bad thing". And she's right. I started to ask myself why I've only ever had monogamous relationships with women, and why I've never had a legit boyfriend. Like you mentioned, I believe social conditioning is the biggest factor. That, and being gay just didn't jive with my personal identity. I'm straight.This whole 'messing around with guys' thing is just some form of sexual deviancy.The only piece that didn't fit with that narrative is the fact that there is something undeniably, or as you put it "very...real" about both my physical and emotional attraction to men. like butterflies but, more intense, almost overwhelmingly so. I don't know, every descriptive word I'm coming up with sounds cheesy. It's different. It feels really great, and it just feels...right. Even before I had ever been with a guy, I noticed while watching hetero porn that I had a very unique reaction from watching the scenes from the female pov. It made my heart beat fast to imagine I was the one, eh..receiving.In hindsight it occurred to me recently that all my relationships have failed similarly. I have never not been cheated on, and in the case of my last partner, repeatedly. Literally every single woman I've ever been involved with, eventually stepped out. It has weighed heavily on my self esteem obviously.But now I think maybe they were just seeking that same feeling I described, when I'm with or imagining being with a man. Call it passion if you want, sounds corny. Whatever it is, neither of us were feeling it. I simply can't imagine myself writing like, a love letter, or speaking of things like soulmates in relation to any of my previous partners. I'm sure they couldn't either.Anyhow, one day I was talking to the therapist about the fact that I sort of compartmentalize my feelings towards men, (her words, but accurate). I put it inside an airtight box that doesn't stray beyond physicality, ever. I know I'm doing it, and maybe it's fine to just leave it that way. What's wrong with compartmentalization? It preserves my sense of personal identity as 'straight' and I suppose it also keeps me from getting hurt, which is the whole reason I'm in therapy in the first place.But then she asked if I could ever picture having an actual romantic relationship with a man. "nah, I've never met anybody I could see myself with. I have nothing in common with gay men." But she pushed. "what if you met someone who was just like you, who liked the same things as you, etc."...I began to cry. For what felt like..well, a long time, I just sobbed uncontrollably. "that sounds...very, very nice" was the only thing I was able to eventually vocalize.So, that kind of brings me to now. Alone again and as usual, feeling pretty gay. I'm by no means cool with it. I have yet to break out of that box I described. But this time I feel more at peace. I'm walking a little taller, and I smile a little more. I take that back. I've been smiling a lot more.The idea of stepping outside my box and allowing myself to maybe...fall in love with a man, still seems very very far in the future. Just typing it, or saying it out loud is still difficult. But at least now I can dream about it. I can dream about falling asleep next to someone just like me.And the idea sounds very, very nice."