[Long post] Building castles in the air

I'm a 22 y/o closet gay single virgin who will (finally) go to University this fall.

I'm safe to say that my life was above average complicated and I think it's important to mention some things in order to follow my struggle. I will cut out every feels, so have no worries.

• Strong ADD, didn't get diagnosis until I was 20.


• Chronic kidney disease since birth, which eventually lead to a donor kidney (everything's perfectly fine now).

While the former had great impact on my earlier life regarding underperforming in school, being a dreamer, and willingly being a loner, the latter was the real multiplier, not only but including depression. This combination caged my mind into all kinds of thought processes, except for one: My sexuality.

It wasn't until I was 18 ~ 19 before I even started to find interest in porn. Funnily enough, I found real porn yukky and started to fap to furry (I'm neither identifying myself as one, nor do I have a Fursona, it's just a fetish). There I found out I'm not really attracted to females. As soon as I 'progressed' and got into 'normal porn' my suspicion was confirmed; I'm gay.

Besides all the above, I'm mostly average, I think. Well, I'm rather short, penis slightly below average (don't even care), but normal weight and not ugly. My self-confidence is on a good level, I'd say, at least in terms of how I act IRL.

Since I'm on medication, real life works perfect. No foggy mind and no constant battles and struggles anymore mentally on a daily basis. I get along with most and have friends IRL.

Still, of course, I feel unbelievably lonely.

It's this kind of loneliness where you have friends, and theoretically no problems, no reason to be lonely, but you are. There was this woman I tutored in maths and over the time, she made it quite obvious that she's interested in me. Naturally, it wasn't mutual. I explained that I lost so many years that I won't have any relationships until I graduated from University. It's not even a lie.

But I'm afraid. I know nobody who's gay IRL. I have no idea how it even works to have a relationship. Despite of my medication, I'm still a loner, I get nuts if there are too many people around for too long. Only a few know me to a certain degree, but even then, I have problems to let anyone near me.

To make things worse, due to an emotional moment where my brain made something stupid, I daydreamed myself a bf. It's not real (sadly), but it's highly romanticized to a degree where I don't think it has anything to do with reality.

And here's the point: I see myself as a cub who wants to be loved, be cared about and feel safe. I'm not the guy who takes action, I don't know how any of this works. I can care for myself perfectly fine but as soon as there are others, I'm lost. I came out to someone I know over the internet. He's offering to have sex since at least two years now. I could go and meet him. He's super nice and surely patient with me but it feels wrong. For me, I just think love is equivalent with relationship is equivalent with sex.

I want to wait. But for what?

I don't think that someone will just bump into me someday. It's not realistic.

What should I do instead? Die a virgin?

Honestly, it doesn't even sound that bad after all those years. Even if I'd try, I'd be nothing more than a burden to anyone.