Sorry for the wall of text :/ Hey everyone, I need some advice. Ever since I was little I have been suspicious that I was not heterosexual. For a long time, I thought I was bisexual. I had a few experiences with a guy (unfortunately unwanted) and it turned me off to guys. Then junior year of high school I met this amazing woman. I really enjoyed spending time with her, but never got the butterflies. We started dating (this was 6 years ago). Due to my previous experiences, I was really a freezer for a long time as I was paralyzed to progress physically with this girl. When I think deep down and hard about it, I almost wonder if I didn’t truly want to. But, with her persistence, I slowly progressed with her (but we were saving ourselves until marriage). The things we did were exciting and when we did anything, I enjoyed it—usually. I really cared about this woman and I thought that this would be the one I married.
We talked about it and started to build our lives around it even though we went to separate colleges as the distance was not too much of a factor). We regularly told each other we loved each other and we tried our best to support each other. However, this whole entire time I still struggled with my sexuality. I tried putting it off as I knew I cared about her and I wanted to go into medical school so I chose not to acknowledge it. Well unfortunately throughout this time, “the perp” was still molesting me. And it was progressing. I was too afraid to call him out on it as I didn’t want to be “outed”. But it took its toll on me and eventually I started to enjoy it. However, last winter, he raped me. Twice. And I know I didn’t want that. I became bulimic, calorie restricted and was so ashamed that my confusion progressed to this. I wanted to die. I was intending on starving myself to death as that was the only “punishment” that suited me. I beat myself with a belt and carved failure into my skin with a knife as well :/. But eventually I reached out to a friend who identified as a lesbian when she confided in me she was molested as a child. I told her that I too was molested, sucked off against my will etc, but did not disclose the rape. She recommended me to therapy and with the help of my girlfriend, therapist and friends, I got better. I put weight back on. My girlfriend was amazing in helping me through this and it really deepend our relationship.
Well I got into medical school and made the tough decision to go to another city. My girlfriend followed me here and got a job (that she hates, but does it to pay the bills and stay in the city with me). I wanted her up here with me as I thought that if I was finally able to be in the same city as her after 4 years apart with only intermittent visits during the school year, that things would get better and I could be sure that I both loved her and was in love with her. But, 6 months later, I am learning that is not the case. I still struggle hard with body image issues, I am very performance oriented, and have been battling depression for the past several months and my girlfriend has tried to be as supportive as she can. I care so much about her and I want her happy. But, the more and more I think about the path I’m on, the more and more depressed I become. I need to explore my other side. I think I might be gay, but there is a part of me that is really worried I am bi and am throwing away a wonderful relationship as my feelings for her are very real. She makes me happy and I love seeing her happy. I am getting more and more suicidal in thoughts every day and I wish I knew what to do. My friends and family love her, I love her family, and her family loves me. Sure we have had our disagreements, but basically the relationship is great. But I cannot progress like this anymore. Med school is so stressful and it has been my dream and I cannot compromise it. I don’t know what will make me happiest, but I need to explore. How can I break up with her if I am not even sure in my convictions. I care so much about her, but I do not want to put her through getting married, having kids and then possibly finding out 30 years from now that I made a mistake and am gay. I’ll be crushed and miss her, but I think it is the right thing to do. How do I dance around this? P.S. I am not out to anyone-just mentioned to her that the whole experience with the perp was sexually confusing.
TLDR- I think I am gay, but am not sure. I really care about my girlfriend and I am afraid to call it off, but I want to do the right thing by both of us. Advice?
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