Early in our relationship, maybe about 2/3 months in David confessed to me that he had a "big dick fetish" and that prior to our relationship he acted on this sexual fantasy through craigslist. We had extensive conversations about it and I ultimately decided that this was okay. I have also previously used craigslist for sexual encounters and used websites to meet people and have cyber sex and concluded that if these encounters had been with women, I wouldn't have even given it a second thought. So after we both got tested and talked about guidelines, the subject has since not been one that I've put a lot of thought into and every now and then we both even joke about our promiscuous pasts.
I have struggled with depression for a large part of my life and I knew at some point it was going to effect my relationship because of how bad I get with my negative self talk. Sure enough for the past few weeks I've been behaving a bit out of character. When I noticed something was wrong I scheduled an appointment for free counseling sessions at my university, but it wasn't particularly helping me from arguing with David about anything and everything. Through the whole process he was very loving and supportive and when I'd instigate irrational arguments he would always try his best to make sure we ended our conversations on good terms. However, after one particularly emotional argument we decided that if things didn't get better between us soon we should probably break things off since neither of us were feeling very happy with the constant arguments I was bringing up. A panic attack, therapy session, and a lot of soul searching led me to jumping the biggest hurdle ever in my anxiety, depression and self esteem issues. For the first time since I can't even remember when, I am not feeling bothered by extremely negative self talk and I feel like I can communicate and control my feelings very effectively. This is wonderful and for the last 2 weeks me and David's relationship has been exponentially better. I am so extremely happy with him.
A part of the reason we had been arguing so much was that I felt as though he was sometimes very oblivious (and almost selfish) as to how certain choices and actions he did made me feel. He's often very concerned with how he treats others to the point that he'd make himself very uncomfortable to make sure he's not being confrontational to someone. It sometimes upsets me, when in contexts of other girls he sometimes seems overly friendly in my eyes. I am/was an overly jealous person and I am highly aware of that and it is something I have worked very hard to resolve since entering my relationship. I can honestly say that at this point I've gotten to a place where I can be happy enough with myself and within my relationship that I do not find it hard to trust David when he's texting/hanging out with other girls he knows.
There's one girl however, that I absolutely cannot stand and it just so happens that she's someone who is in an organization with him here at college. While at a party last weekend I ran into her and gave her a pretty dirty look while my boyfriend briefly said hello and continued walking away from where she was. We mutually had agreed that since this girl had expressed romantic feelings for him that it's best not to really communicate any more than necessary with her. Flash forward to Saturday morning and I see that she's messaged him at 4am the night before. We open the text and of course, it's a novel from her expressing her anger about what happened at the party and mention that she had messaged him earlier Friday with the intentions to "piss your gf off." I was livid, especially since those text messages were deleted. David gave me a run through of what all was said and it sounded innocent and from how he explained it, it was so we wouldn't spoil the progress we had made over someone not worth our time and a petty text conversation. With my newfound self confidence and trust in him I agreed that my previous behavior did suggest that I would have been upset, but I reassured him that with my new positive mentality, I just would rather not have any secrets. I'd rather him keep me aware of the issues than in the dark for fear of upsetting me. I apologized again for the overly jealous person I had been before and let him know I am not going to ever be too angry with him as long as he is being truthful with me. So we dropped this subject and took it as a good riddance to the girl who had caused stupid issues for us in our relationship.
For some reason today I got curious about his story and I tried to look up the alleged reason that she had started texting him about which was an instagram tagged picture and further more I wanted to see if this girl had been commenting anything about him since she had thoroughly bashed my bf for blowing her off in the texts from the Friday, for his rude gf (aka me) and his personality basically. So I figured if I typed in his instagram handle the picture might possibly pop up. I'm sitting in my tutoring class and scrolling when I see a tumblr account with his twitter handle as it's url messaging a personal self-acclaimed massive penis account. My heart drops and I open it to read the message "How many times has somebody been able to deepthroat that? You've got an amazing cock, I have a GF but I wish I'd get to chance to worship a dick like that." I see the date was in February of this year and the account is empty but has a picture of him in his restroom flaunting his buck naked ass as his profile picture.
I immediately text David and ask if he has a tumblr, to which he promptly responds, "Nope! Why?" I send him the screenshots of both the message and his profile picture and explain to him how I came across this and ask if it's him or not. We have a long series of texts back and forth about how he's so sorry and it was only once and how I'm super pissed, but stuck at tutoring for another two hours. I text him that I'm done with him but I'm willing to talk after I'm out.
I spend the next two hours trying my best not to cry. At this point I feel cheated on and very, very, low again. For all the times he asked me just to trust him and now I find this message and I just feel stupid and used. The drive to his place was very emotional and the talk at his place was exhausting. I felt like I was literally stabbing myself with how painful it was to have the conversation about us breaking up. I love him very much and after hearing him out and lots of crying and honesty I cannot bring myself to cut him out of my life. I'm not happy with what he did, but I also believe that there may be more to this than just him attempting to have a sexual conversation with another man while in a hetero relationship. I think he may be addicted to this fantasy of his. I understand sexuality is fluid, so whenever he's refused to associate himself with being gay or bi, I have been very accepting of this so I don't think he's using me as a cover or anything. I just feel like he's previously allowed this to become a very real addiction to the point that he admitted he felt terrible after his sexual encounters with men, but that it was something he couldn't stop doing. He also said he saw messaging this man as another form of porn.
I'm in the process of deciding what if anything we can do to get through this, but I am not sure how I can trust him after this. Like I said earlier, I have experience with this and know there's a lot of ways to be shady on the internet and if you don't want to get caught and are safe, there's a really big chance that you won't be. I dropped him off at work and when he gets off work we are going to try to figure things out. He's already offered me any and all passwords and access to his computer and phone. He also agreed to attend therapy because he also thinks it may be a problem that he is struggling with. He is incredibly remorseful about his actions and I was actually a little scared for him because he was absolutely devastated when I said there's a huge chance I may not be able to forgive them for this as not only my boyfriend, but my friend either. He's willing to do all these things to just stay in my life as anything, period.
He has been there for a lot of very hard things that I've had to overcome in my own life so I feel like if I can I would like to try to get past this situation and just get him help or something, but I also don't know how I can get back to trusting him either. I believe I will be going through all his personal accounts sometime tonight, but other than that does anyone have some advice with how I can figure this all out or come to terms with my decision if I decide we won't work out. He's very kind and loving and has helped me so much on my journey to a more healthy mental state. This post seems to be focusing on a lot of negatives because of the nature of the situation, but he really is wonderful minus these last few incidences. I think he realized how poorly he treated me with this message because before he went to work I sat with him to calm him down so he wouldn't look like he'd been an emotional wreck. He said, "Wow, Sam I really fucked up didn't I? You're this great person who shouldn't have to put up with my shit and here you are trying to calm me down after I just hurt you so bad." I know he's really beating himself up over this and I think that's fine, but I want to make sure he is in his right mind and not going to like do something crazy to either of us or something, because he sounded kind of terrible.
tl;dr: My bf has a big penis fantasy/addiction and I found out about a sexual message he sent to another man. I don't want to break up, but understand that might be inevitable at this point. Need advice for how to regain trust or come to terms with what I have to do. Any advice or been there situations would be very appreciated.
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