I've updated my Testimony - in light of the news conference

I believe that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. That he saw God and Jesus as a 14 year old boy, or maybe just God at 16, or God and some angels some other time but that he just told different versions based on who he was talking to. I believe that the angel Moroni helped him find the gold plates and that he translated those plates by looking at a stone in his hat. I believe Satan tricked him into thinking he was God and tried to get him to sell the copyright to the Book of Mormon to some Canadians. I believe that an angel with a sword forced him to marry teen girls and other men's wives and lie to Emma about it. I believe that polygamy was restored by God to raise up seed unto him and I believe that Joseph may or may not have had sex with those women even though the whole point of it was to procreate which usually requires sex. I believe that many teachings from God were restored when Joseph Smith bought mummies and papyrus from a traveling salesman and that his translation was not an actual translation even though he said it was. I believe he went like a lamb to the slaughter when he returned from his abortive attempt to escape to the Rockies to avoid charges he had destroyed a printing press that published all the things I now believe. I believe he was killed in a gun battle after a night of drinking, smoking and not wearing his garments but at least he got off a couple of shots before making his Masonic distress cry and falling out a window. I also believe Thomas S. Monson is a prophet who leads us today by having others hold news conferences. I believe God wants us to allow Gay people to ride in our cabs, live in our homes and work next to us unless the spirit tells us this is yucky then we don't have to. I believe God will never require us to do more than we are able which includes baking cakes or taking pictures for gay weddings. I believe God wants to discriminate against gays at all of his many large church owned corporate entities but wants people, including us, his chosen children, to claim it is religious freedom so people won't boycott our amazing "Meet the Mormon" movie or shoot paintballs at our temples. I also believe God wants to protect the tax exempt status of the church so people everywhere can enjoy the blessings of cleaning chapel toilet stalls. I also believe that the earth is only 4,000 years old and that Satan placed dinosaur bones in the earth to deceive us. I know the church is true because I've both heard and repeated this phrase since I could speak. Amen