I guess I am out

I have had feelings towards other guys for as long as I can remember - since childhood, I mean, peers, camp counselors, professors, you know, there's a lot of attractive people out there - and its not something that I felt comfortable letting myself feel for a really long time. I have felt very little support from my parents, in the sense that I have always felt that I could not tell them things or feel understood by them. I was a really smart kid, and for a while during my childhood it was something like a game, for me, to hide all of my interests away because they only knew to punish me by taking away the things that I liked, and only seemed to really interact with me when they were punishing me (mom is an M.D., dad is in IT support, long story short, they both worked and didn't spend much time with me). I had a lot of things that I told myself there, I mean, sometimes when my parents got to fighting it seemed that me and my little brother were like refugees living in their big old house, I read a lot and had an active imagination, who knows. Kids are complex creatures that only accrue more complexity as they age. Anyhow, that started when I was younger, but developed as I got older, and I tried to feel invisible everywhere, keeping a scowl on my face, carrying a lot of tension in my cheeks, had problems with my TMJ and masseter muscles that led to scoliosis and had some other things in my life that led to some pretty serious malnutrition, about two years ago. I have had two girlfriends, one who tried being trans for a while and then she decided she was queer, but that lasted for two years during high school before we went our separate ways for college. We were close, really, more friends than anything else, but we had sex and I don't know, like I have never had penetrative sex with a guy, or like idk oral even since I was a young teenager. The other girl, very much decidedly heterosexual, and really someone that if I am honest, was someone that I felt that I needed to help, has been for the last 18 months, and living with me for the past two months. She had a (string of) shitty abusive boyfriend(s) before, and I knew she would get herself into another relationship just like it if she didn't have someone decent in her life. She was a good person, and we bonded on the fact that we were both top of our class in our schooling and tried to encourage each other while we were in classes (her for computer science and me for an electrical engineering and computer science double major), but she was interested in me sexually, and emotionally I was in a place where I didn't really value my opinion. I kept it up but I always had trouble sharing a living space with her, she stayed with me a few months last summer. Long story short, I have been miserable until the last few days. I was mean, and dealt with this in a close minded way that shut everyone out. I guess on some level I felt that if I hated everyone the same then I wouldn't have to deal with my feelings. I have no idea why I allowed myself to take advantage of people and waste peoples time with my pretending and stagnant rigidity, having a girlfriend and having sex with her and telling her that I loved her because of some weird idea that I had to be like my parents or something, and to think of it now, I can't explain it, it feels so wrong. I woke up on Friday, I cant explain it either, I couldn't remember what I had been dreaming but I woke up feeling so agitated I couldn't stay still, and started yelling at her to get out of my house, I was so angry, I want to call it a night terror but I don't know I think I might have just been dealing with a lot. I'm really not the kind of person to do that. I made her leave, yelled till she left out the door, still in her pajamas, and I went back to the bed. Within a minute, I heard her knocking and I went right back to the door, I let her in and I couldn't believe I had just done that. I sat perched on a chair on one side of the room while she sat on the other and we started to talk. I told her I have been dealing with a lot here lately, my mother has some things where she can be really passive aggressive and bossy and you know its just one of those things where you have some strange feelings about your parents that makes you feel unsteady about a lot of things. We decided that it would be better for her, not for any reason about me being a threat or anything but really just because she wasn't eating well while she was staying with me and a few other things, that it would be best for her to stay with her mother, who has an apartment in a city about two hours away. After we started talking, I don't remember how many times I apologized, but the resolution of the conversation, after about two hours had passed and both of us had calmed down, I just felt bubble up from somewhere in me the sentence 'I really think I am gay, I am not trying to make you feel bad but I really think that I am gay' and ever since that moment, I have felt freer than I have ever felt that I could experience. It was a weight off my conscience and I have been standing up straighter, smiling, fucking beaming, I am so glad to figure this out for myself. She is the only person that I have had the confidence so far to tell, and I was really admitting it to myself at the same time. We are still good friends, and have decided to stay in contact and help each other with things, and I don't know, I really hope that I helped her establish a better idea of what she wants in a guy so that she isn't miserable like I saw her when I met her. But for me, my feelings make sense now, so much more than they ever have, and I no longer feel like I cannot meet anyone's eyes when I talk to them, I feel so much more confident in who I am and what I am doing. I am ok with the fact that sometimes I feel attraction to others, and that it doesn't matter that I am different. That is the problem - when you try to reduce it to a platitude that expresses how much better I feel, you lose the FUCKING PROFUNDITY I FEEL THAT I'M GAY AND I LOVE BEING ABLE TO ADMIT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING. I really appreciate that this community is so available and open, and I really want to thank everyone in advance for the help in understanding what this whole thing is all about.Thanks for reading guys, I really feel like a million bucks.