on being single

hi. first of all i am writing this here because of the anonymity; i hate to admit, although i guess the other person knows, that i have fallen hopelessly in love with another person, who is 6 years my junior. you have a very remote chance of knowing me and i'm fine with that.my name is eriond. i'm 27 and i'm gay. i have never been in a relationship before because as high school taught me, i am not that attractive. obviously i have self confidence issues but that, i think, is a story for another time.where to begin? oh right i was telling you how i have never been in a relationship before. well that is not entirely accurate; i have had a girlfriend before but never a boyfriend. so there i haven't had a boyfriend before.even though the world has drilled into my subconscious that i am less physically attractive that majority of its occupants, i have had my fair share of "suitors": people who are mostly in it for sex (not to brag but i have a good physique; i jog mostly everyday for 5 km, do 5 sets of various forms of sit-ups, 40 reps each, and other stuff). mostly that people who have approached me came from the gym, when i was still going to one; some from a local gay bar when it was still open. but whenever sex was over, i would lose my taste for the person. i dunno why, perhaps because i have been let down by a lot of people i genuinely liked in the past that as a sort of defence mechanism i don't expect a real relationship to spring up from a mere "booty call", or maybe i'm not that into those people.years passed and i reached my final year in medical school. during the interim, i just managed to hook up with 2 other medical students, both a year lower than me and some random guys i met at bars. this is when fate decided to play with me.let me go back a little. at the start of my internship, as with the start of every academic year, i look for cute new medical students. but i am merely doing it for the view since i have never approached persons unless they show interest first (remember i have self-esteem issues). i noticed this cute little guy who had a little moustache, who kept on talking fluently in english (you got me, i'm asian), who was also very noisy. as luck would have it, he also dormed at my dorm. other than the occasional glimpses that i had of him there, i sometimes also see him at our local coffee shop (during the times that i am not knocked out from 24 hours of duty and i feel like studying). but nothing happened between us. this would continue for the next 10 months.during one of my post duty days (ie that is the day after i have done 24 hours, that is 7 am-7 am, with my afternoon being free that day), i decided to jog around the campus. as i was coming inside my dorm, i noticed the same cute guy, who we'll call steve, about to enter as well.he reached the door to our dormitory hallway first and held the door open for me. honestly i wasn't expecting anything so after the customary "thank you" i walked towards my room. i noticed that steve kept on glancing at me, so i decided to give it a shot. "hey you're first year med right" i said to him. "yeah. and you're an intern?" was his reply. i told him that i was. we then started talking. i asked him where his room was, out of curiosity. "it's room 2**. i'm sharing that with 3 other guys", steve said. since i wasn't really expecting anything, i thought that this might be the reason he decided to strike up a conversation, to see if i will be leaving the dorm this year so he can put a reservation on it. so i asked him, "i'm at room 22*. it's a single room. if you have plans of transferring rooms next year, wanna see what a solo room looks like?"steve agreed. still dripping sweat i "toured" him around my room; showed him my mini-library, my treadmill that i barely use, and the myriad other stuff on my room. steve immediately jumped on my bed. this actually pissed me off a lot because, being a little bit of a neat freak i never sit on my bed or chair unless i have bathed. but he was cute so i decided to cut him some slack.minutes wore on. we talked about school, that he is a member of the dance club and other stuff. meanwhile, my sweat has dried on my shirt; i didn't change because i thought he would just take a look then leave. when i noticed that he won't be going anytime soon, i decided to take a bath.remember that i dorm by myself so i am used to entering my bathroom naked and leaving it naked. hence, i forgot to get my boxers and lotion before going in the bathroom. plus i wanted to see if i can spark his interest (haha). so i left the bathroom only with a towel barely hugging my waist to get my stuff. steve looked up from his ipad then continued playing. i thought to myself, "what is this guy really up to?" when i finished dressing, we talked some more, he showed me videos of him dancing at competitions, and he did a small dance routine in my room.what happened next surprised me. as he finished browsing his facebook using my laptop he as, "do you have movies here?". again, wanting to test him i said, "i have, but i don't think they are ones you'll like. "why?", he asked. Laughing nervously i said, "because they are mostly porn". "oh i love porn! let me see", steve said. "well," i hesitantly replied, "they are gay porn. you see i'm gay. haha!" "oh" he replied. after a minute of awkward silence we again continued talking about mundane stuff.he then said, "ok, just out of curiosity, let me see these vids of yours". so i grabbed hold of my laptop, opened the well hidden folder containing my stash, then played it. i left him to his own devices and grabbed my pharmacology book. after about a minute he turned the video off, then resumed playing with his ipad.10 pm arrived. when not busy i usually sleep around this time so i can get up at 5:30 am. "i'll just go wash up and prepare for bed" i told steve, as some sort of dismissal. he said, "ok". my perplexity just grew.when i finished i told him, "i'm about to sleep now". "ok, will you be closing the lights?" he asked. "yeah but i leave my tv open. helps me sleep better". as i turned off the light he put away his ipad then laid on my bed. i laid next to him then asked, "so what now?". "depends on you" he said. "want me to close the tv?". "yup" steve said.as we laid there in near total darkness i looked at him, he was looking at me too. he has very thick eyebrows, full lips, a lean body and a naughty smile. he really is my type. i kissed him. he kissed back. after that awkward but passionate first kiss i told him, "so this was your agenda. you should have told me sooner, saved us more time. haha" he just laughed.he had sex after. maybe it was because my last was before internship, but i was one of the best sex that i've had in a while. when we finished, he invited me to bathe with him. he then continued to sleep in my room.i am a sucker for snuggling. for me that is better than sex. sharing the warmth of another, embracing each other, i missed this so much. it was one of the best nights that i have had.morning came, and with it reality. before he left he told me that he added me on facebook. after approving him, we exchanged numbers. i was thinking then, "God if this is the reason why i have been so lonely the past years, thank you".i am not a person to text overly much, medicine demands so much. but if i text you that means i have an important thing to say or that you are important to me.3 days passed. steve and i barely saw each other. he seldom replied to my texts too. i know it's only been a short while, but i have been crushing on him since last year. i was a little bit devastated.then as i was doing make up duty for an absence, steve texted me asking what i was doing. i told him that i was on duty but would be leaving in an hour. since i haven't eaten dinner, i decided to invite him. "if you don't mind, can you just buy be food? i wanna eat in your room" steve said. "ok. what do you want?". "just chicked. pay you here. thanks bro", was his reply.the ER was very toxic that night, i ended up leaving at 10, an hour after my promise to steve. since no malls were still open, i decided to invite him at a nearby food truck.as we drove there, we talked about mundane stuff. i was late so i decided to treat him to dinner. plus i really like him. after dinner we drove back to our dorm. he said, "i'm sorry but could you drop me off here, i don't want rumors spreading". "i understand, you're not out".afterward, we met at my room and we again had sex.to my dismay, he decided to leave early. he was apparently having allergies and preferred to stay at the comfort of his room. after a good bye kiss, which apparently would be our last, he left.i did not sleep immediately. i spent the next half hour looking at a picture i took of him while he was sleeping then i prayed to God to please let him be the one.days passed. messages went unanswered. i grew sadder by the minute. finally i could not bare it any longer. when i chanced upon him being online on facebook i decided to ask him this:"hi steve, i don't want to make this seem like an order or anything, but i need to know, where is this thing between us going: a) nowhere. last saturday was the last b) same as before, just casual you-know-what c) i want to continue to find out d) other (specify pls) i'm 26. it may not seem like a big age diff for you, but i think i'm past the period in my life when i only like playing around. you know i find you physically attractive. but other than that, i find your company pleasant. so that's it. i told you before that i am a prideful person; know that composing this message has been difficult for me. hence, i would appreciate a decent reply. good day"after a day, he replied:"eriond, the question is, what do you want to happen between us? I'm open to the idea of being friends seeing as I don't think we can have a relationship as of now. I don't think I'm ready for that level of commitment and seeing as I'm entering my summer break in a while as well as your graduating, I don't think a serious relationship would be feasible for us."Let's just be friends eriond, if that's alright with you"as you can imagine it, i was pretty heartbroken. another person to add to my long list of people who rejected me. haha. i thought i was old for this but i cried after duty hours, as i lay awake thinking of him, his laugh, his smile, the way he talks, his lips, his body. but i didn't give up hope entirely. but i was then having my doubts as to his real reason.the results of who would be progressing to 2nd year was released. previously he told me that he is crushing on this girl and that if she passed, he would court her. i believed him, just not that much. i also thought that if i was competing with a girl i have more chance since apparently he is bisexual and bisexuals are just a few inches away from being full-blown gay.still i was lonely so i decided to hook up again with a nurse who i went out with last year (again a story for another time). steve and i were still chatting. thinking that he would be more into me if there was some competition, i told him about me hooking up with the nurse. but the effect wasn't one i expected. steve being competitive decided to tell me the truth: that he is in reality waiting for another med student from another school whom he met before he was first year med. apparently he and this guy would go on regular dates whenever their schedules permit it, and that he is just waiting for med school to finish so they can finally be an item.again, another blow to my ego. when asked steve had the decency to admit that he was just horny that day and that he was a sucker for sweaty lean guys. he apparently gave "us" a chance but we reportedly have "too little" in common. i thought, "too little? we are both med, we both have a sarcastic sense of humor, we both hate stupidity, we both practice the same martial art, is that too little?". again the reality of the world caught up to me, that people who are gifted with more "attractiveness" tend to get what they want (i looked it up, steve's guy is also kinda good looking).currently i am reviewing for my board exam. good thing too, i don't get to think about steve that much. this is one of those nights that i feel lonely.thanks for reading! i hope you found my story entertaining. any comment will be welcome. :)