Am I thinking to hard again? WARNING: Wall of text. NSFW probably

Hello Reddit, I’d like to thank you ahead of time for yet again helping me figure another part of my life. I’d also like to apologize ahead of time for offending anyone either with the things I say, or with the length of this post. Let me start by saying that I’m a 22 year old living in central Texas. The reason I’m here is because I have a very analytical mind set and question everything I come across, sometimes several times, to see how I feel about it, or what my opinion is. Late in January, I took some acid and an idea was born; an idea to question my sexuality. Previously, I never questioned that I was straight, which is probably how this came up now. I also think it prudent to mention that I now currently identify as pansexual.It began by me being forced to admit to myself that I could no longer deny that I have been attracted to men in the past, though very few. In the process of admitting this, I also had to admit that I am attracted to women. The issue is that I have empirical evidence supporting the latter, but not the former. Is it just curiosity or confusion? The next stage of questioning began after a dear friend of mine passed just days after this began. He was bisexual, but I had never expressed these feelings with him, having not really brought them up with myself before the trip. I noticed that I missed him very much, almost like I didn’t get to share myself with him, or experience him. How could I have become attached to a person I didn’t really know well? Were these feelings just a residual effect of his passing so suddenly? At one point, while looking at r/gonewild, I decided I would post something and see what women thought of my body, not considering that no one on reddit is a female. After a very quick search, I discovered r/bulges and promptly posted a [picture]( http://ift.tt/1LByzm9)**NSFW**. After reviewing the comments, I was astounded, embarrassed, flattered, and shamed all at the same time. This is probably a good time to mention that, while I have always supported homosexuality, I found the thought of two guys having sex somewhat….appalling. For instance, I would try to picture myself maybe sucking a dick, or screwing another guy, but it just felt wrong, or dirty or something. Maybe this was just me not used to that idea at all. Maybe it was just me caught up in a misguided idea of what it would mean to be gay. Maybe it was just me rejecting it because there was no romantic connection. I Don’t really know haha. Sometimes I would catch myself looking in the mirror and wearing something that I “didn’t like” and I would say something like “wow I look gay”. Why would I choose that particular adjective? Is it the social stigma of the word gay that I grew up with where it means “stupid”? Or is that simply the word I have been most attributing myself with of late? I was drinking with a friend at the bar about a month ago and was enjoying some tasty craft beer listening to his story about potato guns when he was younger. Rest assured, I’m not attracted to this man at all, and he is most assuredly not gay, yet mid-story, my brain almost literally yelled “IM GAY” in my head, which I quickly followed up, again in my head, with “that’s a hell of a statement to make without any consideration” and I have to wonder what that means for me. On one hand I have to consider that that is my “true self” speaking, yet on the other, I have to consider that I have been having a debate in my head about whether or not I’m gay, or at the very least sexually attracted to men, for some time and that it might have just been a random outburst derived from my previous 4+months of debate (I have tried saying it out loud in the past for comparison to saying “I’m straight”, but the results were inconclusive (almost conveniently some of you might say)). Another possibility is that sexual deprivation potentially plays a role in this. The last time I had sex was in November (perhaps it is necessary to mention that it was with a female) and before that, sex was pretty uncommon for me, as I had a hard time bringing up conversations of romanticism with people. Perhaps not seeing results with women led me to seek out alternative means of fulfillment? I know myself to be something of a late bloomer, so perhaps this is just the simple curiosity most people experience in their teens, or perhaps I know what I want. I ask this hear because I want to hear other people’s opinions on my thoughts. I understand that the only real way to test it out is to kiss another guy and go from there, but I have been reluctant to take this step as I haven’t decided what it means for me, which as I type this sounds silly because it’s not like it would be the end of the world if I kissed a dude and wasn’t gay after all haha.So if you guys (or girls) would read this and let me know what you think, that’d be great! Also if you could do it without making me feel like a total idiot, that would be nice.