Relatively new to gay lifestyle. Boy trouble and terrified to come out.

In case anyone cares, this is me. http://ift.tt/1Iw96aN... I've been living the gay life style for only about over a year now. I had always been attracted to guys, I think, but I always kind of just thought it was an insecurity type of thing. Like, me wishing I looked like a guy because of how good looking he was. Fast forward to 24 year old me. I got curious and went to one of those gay chat roulette things and was pretty much enjoying myself. I met a guy on there who happened to be less than a mile away from me. We ended up chatting for a good bit and met up and he blew me. That was my first gay experience. And I enjoyed it. Then came grindr and a few more gay experiences. From grindr, I met this guy who I fell in love with. Here I am, age 26, and in an on and off again relationship with him. I love him. But there are many, many aspects of this relationship that I do not like. We've been dating since February last year and he's just barely started to treat me the way a person who loves another person should be treated. He almost seriously lost me once and since then he has tried. He continues to do things that are disrespectful and that kind of break my heart. When these things happen, he asks me why I bother to keep trying with him. And I simply tell him its because I love him. But there is always something at the back of my mind telling me that I may be happier with someone else. I ignore it. I don't like it. But it makes me wonder. Would I be happier? We do have some things in common, but not a whole bunch. Me? My friends, partner, whomever are the world to me. And I make sure they know it. I put everyone before myself because caring about people and making sure they know it makes me happy. Simply because I've been on my own since I was 13, I feel its important to make sure the people I love KNOW that I love them and that I care for them. Its just how I am, I guess. Anyway, I just don't feel like I'm happy anymore. I don't really feel anything anymore. Except for now. As I'm typing all this up, I'm crying. Which is rare for me. I don't even cry anyone. Even when he hurts me, I just don't feel anything. If anyone is familiar, I feel the same way a moderately high dosage of Prozac makes a person feel. Assuming you've had the same reaction to Prozac as I have. I go completely numb. And while I don't think I am happy and feel like it would be best to move on, I just can't. I can't seem to officially end it with him. He's trying to make things right. But I just don't feel like any of it matters anymore because when he tries to make it right, he does something that's entirely fucked up and ruins any progress he's made. My wall is up with him. And I don't see it getting knocked back down any time soon. I just don't know what to do. Reading all this back to myself, it seems pretty obvious what I need to do. But I just can't do it. I'm at such a loss....As I've stated, I'm relatively new to the gay lifestyle. I went from barely any experience with guys, straight into a committed relationship with one. As time has past, I've grown to accept who I am, for the most part, and be moderately proud of it. Its still all new and there is a lot I need to do before I can fully accept it. And I feel like one of those things would be to come out to my family and friends. A very small number of my friends know I'm gay. Like a couple of them. And none of my family members know. See.. I come from a family of Christians. And while I feel like they would be able to accept me for who I am because they accepted my gay cousin before he committed suicide. But even with that, as a child, I could feel this weird energy surrounding my family when my gay cousin was nearby being himself. He was flamboyant. And I am not. At all. I guess I'd be in the whole "straight acting" category. It's not some front, its just how I am. Anyway, because of those things I remember feeling as a child, I fear what would happen to me if I came out to my family. There is one side of me that is entirely private. I keep shit to myself. I've never really felt the need to tell anyone anything unless they asked me. If someone asks me, I'm an open book. I'm always honest about things. If a member of my family were to ask me if I were gay, I'd most likely be honest about it. I feel like I'm at that point. I'm just not ready to blurt it out to the family. I don't know. Any advice, a simple conversation, anything will be helpful to me. I hope its okay for me to post this here. I have no gay friends and I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel.... very alone.