My Story

it's pretty longWhy is my life crumbling before me. I just want to die seems like everything I do just gets me in trouble. I want to have a boyfriend truth be told, I told mom that I’m actually straight and that’s what I’ve been telling myself, but I want a husband to live with in a small house and have kid, and bring them to Christmas at Nanny’s and have fun, but I know that will never happen. When I graduate I could just leave and never come back. I could do that never speak with my family again, but I can’t because God doesn’t allow Gays in heaven. All I want is to be happy and I think that is impossible. I try and tell myself that God isn’t real so I can have a husband and live happily ever after, but my heart tells me otherwise. I can’t just not believe in him because I love him. I thought about killing myself, I could. I have blood pressure pill and Hydro’s I could just take all of them, but it’s said that if you kill yourself then you go to hell, and I don’t want that. But I read a article that was pretty compelling it said a Christian could get to heaven by killing themselves, but a drug overdose isn’t always promised If they find my body before I’m actually dead then they could pump my stomach and save me, and then everyone would look at me like the psycho who tried to kill myself and no one will look at me the same. I can’t even look up and read this because I want to break down and cry, I want to so bad, but I’m telling myself that if I stay strong and make it to when I graduate then I could leave Morristown and do something with my life. The thing is I can’t do that. When I look to my future I see nothing. Every now and then I think I could end it, but I can’t do that. When the doctor told me a year ago that I might have kidney cancer and I would have to have a biopsy I wasn’t afraid of dying, but now I’m terrified. I wish God would just take my life. I pray every once in a while that he will, but it hasn’t succeded yet. I don’t know why I’m writing this I Just wanted to get this off my chest. I already started crying when I wrote about the scared of dying part. I’m pretty ok now. But I still don’t know what to do, I thought for a while that I could still go to Heaven if I was gay, I would look up articles about it and I would come across a few that would say gays wouldn’t make it to heaven, but I was pretty sure I would, then I went on a trip with my church and during the trip a man spoke about Gays. I thought oh great some more bullshit, but it really helped me. He said that gays would make it to heaven, I was like of across, but he explained it to me better. He said that a gay person usually was influenced on gay tendencies, he gave examples that fit me. I was raped by a female when I was 6, my mom let me play with dolls, I have no father figure and grew up with just girls. I didn’t believe hi, until he said this. “The thing about it is if a male is raised with stealers around him, he’ll grow up a stealer. But as a Christian stealing is a sin, so when you stroll by a jewelry shop and see something you like but can’t afford you choose to take it or just walk on by. So being gay is like that you choose to act upon those gay thoughts.” Story over. So I thought about that I guess I would have to hide my feelings to get to heaven. But I was pretty sure that I was born this way. I remember that when I was like 4 there was a dvd case of some Lord Of The Rings case and I thought the boy was pretty cute. I told my brothers friend that and he pointed at female and said I should like her not him, so I thought that I was born gay but then I remember another memory of when I was kissed by a boy in kindergarten I immediately wiped my face and said yuck. It might have been because of a little kid doesn’t usually liked to be kissed. I also remember all through elementary school I would like different girls it wasn’t until middle school when I realized that I officially liked boys I started thinking guys were cuter and never thought any girl was sexy or hot. I just don’t know what to do. Many people say God speaks to them and tells them to be a minister and a preacher, but you never hear of God telling people what to do. I could go to heaven or hell it seems he would try to help him, Usually when I pray and tell God my issues I usually would get them answered, but this is one that I can’t solve on my own. I just need some help. In the end I just want to be happy. But I can’t find it. I already told a whole bunch of people at school that I was gay. The thing I really hate about being gay is that I fall in love with straight guys. My first crush was a boy named Jacob. I had a crush on him for three years. I thought he liked me back. He gave me so many signs that he liked me back. And every night I would cry and realize that he didn’t like me back. But I would just think he liked me again. Then sophomore year I found another guy this was the year when I came out. This was way worst then Jacob, because people would always tell me you guys are cute together, and he liked me back, but he didn’t either. I would crush on so many straight guys and write stories about how they would love me and how we would live happily ever after. That would just make me cry harder. There is a gospel song that said God will never put more on me then I can bare. I just think that this is all I can bare. I just want to get this over with and just get to heaven. I hope when I get older that life isn’t this hard. If anyone reads this and having a hard time then my advice is write it down, everything because although the problems are fixed it makes you feel better to get it all out. By the way if you are reading this please forgive the terrible writing and grammar I can’t handle trying to proof read this I would ball my eyes out. I’m just glad I could get this out.