It’s been 7 years, I need to stop isolating myself, don’t know who else to turn to right now

I became self-aware in elementary school, after that all I wanted was to meet someone else gay. I was isolated enough before that, my parents were intimidated by me even as a small child (it began with my night terrors, I never slept in their bed and so they worried I “hated” them). Now that I’m fully grown, all I want is to meet people who make me feel welcome in this world.I grew up in 1990s south Louisiana where I got to listen to bigot politicians lying about how they were protecting other kids from gay people like me (though I had much more to fear). Their lies made me feel so fucking isolated, I was in elementary school when I first fought suicidal thoughts, but I survived ten years until I met another gay guy. Too bad his family was fundamentalist, so it ended in catastrophe and my life’s worst day: I found myself at the psych hospital, where the resident doctor sexually assaulted me. After that, things got so bad I wasn’t sure if I was alive or being punished in the afterworld. Technically I still don’t know the truth.I made it through college because I didn’t want to die before I knew what love felt like. I didn’t do well on that front, though, and when I graduated I thought my days were over. But it’s been over 7 years since I gave up on a “normal” life. I’ve survived only because I’ve spent my days working on a plan I’ve thought about since I began thinking. I don’t care about money or becoming famous, I only want to stop feeling sick about being in this world. Most people won’t understand why I’ve done what I’ve done, but my perspective has its roots in being gay – so I hope I’m not alone in this. I’m very tired of feeling alone in this way, and I’m afraid if I don’t stop soon, I’ll curse myself to being alone forever.I didn’t explain how I got through this life without totally breaking, but I owe everything to my imagination. What this universe denied me I created in my own worlds, especially when I fantasized about improving this one. When I became an adult, I had so many worlds and stories that could be used to indirectly talk about this world, but that alone wouldn’t achieve what I dream of. I don’t want to retreat to fantasy anymore, I want to work to make reality less of a nightmare. In a phrase, what I want is to take away politicians’ power to enforce lies, but that’s a political issue whose practicality is beside the point – I’m not here to argue or promote my ideas. I know I’m not the only person who is driven to change this world, but I’m afraid that I’ve become too extreme to relate to others so I’m asking other gay people for insight.I don’t expect all gay people to understand the world as I do, but I do hope that soon I’ll find the person or people I started looking for in 1992. This is such a sloppy way to start, so I’m sorry, but I just have to break the seal and start talking. Otherwise I’ll just fade away.