I want to give up.

Some prelim TWs. Suicidal thoughts, suicidal tendencies, depression, family issues, friendship issues, loneliness, worthlessness. I think that's all.You guys probably get these every day, I don't know what I mean by 'these' but I'm sure you get them. I'm not even sure where this belongs, so chances are it'll end up as a x-post with, idk, /r/depression? I can already tell I'm going to get some 'you're over-reacting' comments, and I won't dismiss them. I probably am. I just need someone to talk to. Or at.Let me start out by giving some background to this. I'm 16, Australian, cis female, and pansexual. I realised I wasn't straight after a friend came out to me as bi about two years ago now. I told her a little while afterwards.Around that same time, I got hit hard with a depressive phase. I started harming myself and it was only when an ex-friend (ex for other reasons) told a school counsellor that I was able to pull out of it. Had I not been able to, there is a chance it would have ended very badly. I've never told anybody this.Problem is, because I got ratted on, I ended up with HUGE trust issues. Massive. To the point where I can't talk about anything to do with my ~feeeeeeeeeelings~ without being derisive and bitchy towards whoever is drawing it out of me. I don't even talk to my best friends about it without feeling like The World's Biggest Fucking Idiot™.Whatever. But shit's gotten bad recently and I don't have any real explanation for it. So instead I just feel uselessly stupid. I never cry. Normally. I can't shed two fucking tears, not even when a relative dies (not that that's happened recently, but from memory, my tear ducts sucked even back when one of my family members last died.) But lately, it's all I've wanted to do. I feel like everyone is always watching me, always waiting for me to do something completely stupid or reckless or dangerous or a combination of all three so they can get their LOLs.I'm in a school production at the moment. I've missed a few rehearsals, because I felt like shit, or I didn't know they were on thanks to the fucking great organisational skills of my school. Whenever I walk into the auditorium area where we rehearse, I want to throw myself off an overpass. Everyone stares, I'm sure of it. One... 'friend' looks at me with a mixture of pity and something else... disappointment? I think so. She talks down to me, like I'm a five year old caught with their hand in the cookie jar by their overly-strict, dieting, Catholic father. She tells me what to do in the most condescending way possible. And I let her, because I already feel like shit, so why not just heap some derision and condescension on top too? What a fabulous sundae.Plus, I think a teacher in the same production wants to rip my head off. I'm in the chorus, so they could definitely chuck me out if they wanted to. At this point, it would be merciful. Perhaps that is why they are withholding it from me. She looks at me as though I rose from the grave and proclaimed that I was Jesus, and the other dude was an impostor, not to be trusted.This is already really jumpy (and angry, apparently), and I'm sorry, because chances are it will get worse.A lot of what I carry is guilt, I think. I have a lot of people try to guilt me into doing things I have absolutely zero motivation to do. And for pretty much no reason. My mother, for instance. She is probably the worst source.It's all the little things, teeny tiny things building up over a great length of time that just shit me off and make me feel like a pile of dung next to a busy highway. Vile, unimportant. I feel like, through her life, I've caused my mother a great deal of unnecessary pain and trouble. She was 21, turning 22, the year she had me, and when she got pregnant, my biological father left her. Number one already, and I'm not even fucking born yet.And now, lately, the little things are building up again, and I haven't got any idea how to deal with it (well, I do, but it ain't healthy.) It was her birthday recently and in the morning, when I woke up, my mind was on approaching exams (which, by the way, I'm sure I failed, just to, y'know, top it all off) so I didn't wish her a happy birthday. She prompted me, saying 'Is there anything you want to say to me?' Her choice of words confused me. I thought I was in the doghouse for something so I quickly went through everything I'd done wrong that week- not studying as much as I should, stealing chocolate from the cupboard, etc., etc.. I replied 'No?' and boy did I feel it for a week. Nothing physical happened- she didn't hit me. But the way she acted... I don't know, but it certainly felt like I'd been hit by a truck. The guilt was so intense that, when I got to school, I barely spoke to anyone at all.Then, a few days later, she and I were sitting on the couch talking about how I (a heavy-chested gal) saw a breast reduction in my future. She said something about doctors not doing it until you are finished having children. I already am. 0 children is the perfect amount of children for me. I reminded her of this and what I think happened is she took it as a personal slight against her parenting style. Only thing is... she's an excellent mother. I would die for her. It's got nothing to do with her, only the fact that I'd legitimately die before I had children. 'Over my dead body' comes to mind.But she held that one and the birthday one over me for a little while, and holy dick on a stick did it hurt (and holy dicks on sticks does it still hurt.) I'm ashamed of myself for it all.There was a time when, after that depressive period mentioned earlier passed, I was incredibly confident and sure of who I was, where I wanted to go in life. I wanted to be an actress, to walk the red carpet in beautiful dresses and tall shoes from designers with unpronounceable names. I wanted to travel the world (actually, I still do) and see everything that we as a race, as a planet, have to offer before I blipped off the face of the earth forever. I want to help people in similar situations struggling with themselves.It's hard now though, to even find the motivation to get up from the floor any more. The acting dream is all but lost. Well, I still want it. I just don't ever see it happening. Whatever I'm experiencing now certainly isn't helping. I feel inadequate to my peers. They are good actors, I feel sub-par. Lesser. I did, somehow, manage to land a lead role in a school play last year, but none of my friends came to see it. None of them. That hurt. My brain also decided now would be the best time to worry about money in my family. I think we are fine, but I don't want my parents to spend extravagant amounts of money on me. We're going to Paris to avoid ex-family members for Xmas this year, again. The costs have me worried.I've yet to come out to my grandmother and my father. My grandmother is... grossed out by the thought of two people with the same gender identity dating. My dad? He seems indifferent. I know when it comes, it'll be a big blow. I'm dreading it.Probably the main reason I wrote this is because I just told my best friend I love her. She's the one that made me realise I wasn't as straight as I thought. She said she didn't know what to say, or if she felt the same way. I don't resent her, I resent myself for being so stupid as to think that someone would love me back the same way. I just feel stupid.I think I'm finished crying/whining now. If you've made it this far, go have a cookie or something, because to be honest, if I were reading this, I wouldn't have the strength to finish it.TL;DR: I'm a fucking idiot and everyone knows it. I'm probably worthy of what I get. Huge trust issues, possible depressive relapse, infinitely angry. Used to self-harm and have suicidal ideation. Everything building up to an explosive conclusion. Lots of ~fun~ times behind and more on the horizon.